Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Saw this one during the Subsidy/Occupy Nigeria strike years ago:

Hello, My name is Frank Edoho, from who wants to be a Millionaire. Your Friend Jonathan is on the hot seat, he needs your help to win One Loaded Tanker of Fuel. The next voice you hear is your friend's. ( Your time starts now ). Paddy how far: Abeg wetin be the yoruba Name for SUBSIDY?

The missing Cock

Pastor keeps chickens in the Church premises, one evening a Cock went missing.

In Church the next day the Pastor asked "who has a cock?"
 All the men got up.
 "No, I mean who has seen a cock?" the pastor said.
All the women got up.
"No, no, I meant who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?", the pastor said impatiently.
Half of the women got up.
"Oh for goodness sake!! Who has seen my cock???" the pastor shouted.
All the Choir girls got up!.....halleluyah!!

Little boy's prayer

At dinner, a little boy offered to lead in prayer.
"Dear Lord," he started, "Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sisters clothes and wrestled with her on her bed and made her cry."

"This coming winter," he continued, ignorant of all the stares he was receiving,"Please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my dad's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work"

...AMEN!.... and there was silence.

Marriage

Daddy," said a six-year-old boy, "I'd like to get married."
"Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?"
"Yes," answered the boy. "Grandma. She’s nice"

"Now, wait a minute," said his father.
"You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!"
"Why not?" the boy asked. "You married mine."

The Hunter

A 90 yr old man goes to a doctor.
He said:"Doctor, my 28yr old wife is pregnant, what's your opinion?"

Doctor replies: "Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of his hunting rifle. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella pulls the handle and....BANG!!!...d lion drops dead!"

Old man exclaims: "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion."

Doctor: "EXACTLY MY OPINION."

And I just lost control;

1981 and 2005

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died

Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Latest bike with extra seat:

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Ma ke the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would

Not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Romanus) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you are doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Romanus) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'


He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

I have had to speak to a lot of friends and even family members, who either wanted to relocate to the UAE or were already here, and I think I should put an article out to address this issue, perhaps some other people can benefit from it. I have also come across a lot of adverts on Facebook asking people who want to get jobs in UAE, Qatar, Kuwait and other countries in the Gulf to contact them. Therefore, it seems the Gulf Countries are becoming the new “greener pastures” for Nigerians (and Africans at large). I will try my best possible to cover the aspects of cost, visa and jobs as commonly related to this kind of “arrangement.” However, everyone reading this must know that, this is my personal opinion and it’s no blueprint of some sort.

This article is not for those who got white-collar jobs with organisations directly because of their skill-set and previous job experiences nor those who came into UAE for vacation and were lucky to secure an interview and got a decent professional job in the process. This article is for those who are still back home and are planning to resign from their jobs, and/or raise some money and relocate to UAE in search of a “better opportunity.” Some of the questions such persons need to ask themselves are: Why do I want to leave Nigeria for the UAE? What is the employment outlook and philosophy there? What are the opportunities besides regular white-collar job? How soon can I get a job? What is the cost of pursuing this? What is the forgone alternative for the money I want to invest in this project? What kind of visa(s) does the UAE give visitors? How do I obtain one? And what is the validity of the visa(s)?

I must confess, UAE is a great place to live. The environment is not hostile. The infrastructure (road, electricity, telecommunication and entertainment etc.) is one of the best in the world. And its economy has been showing significant growth in the last four years. Therefore, if you have a decent job with a decent pay, it is a very good place to be. However, if you just want to leave Nigeria at all cost and travel down here to come and look for a job, you must consider these three issues – cost, visa and jobs.

COST

This adventure will cost you somewhere around NGN500,000 (it could be a bit less than that) and this is the breakdown. If you did not have an international passport yet, you would have to spend about NGN15,000 to procure one. A two-month visa should cost you around $800 (NGN132,024). A return ticket of about NGN100,000 (depending on airline and season of the year) and a bed-space of about $150 (NGN24,755) per month or more depending on location and level of comfort you desire. The rest of the money will be for running around, feeding, general upkeep and miscellaneous.

VISA

Visas in this region are sponsored by companies/businesses (directly) or relatives (indirectly). For example, if you want to come here for vacation, you have to have an agent process a visa for you as a business-tourist or have a family member who lives here do a visit visa for you (generally valid for two weeks or a month). The one month visas are mostly extendable for another month and this is the type most people coming here to look for job opportunities come in with. When your two-month legitimate stay elapses, every extra day spent after that attracts fine – 200dhs ($54.45 or NGN8,986) for the first day and 100dhs ($27.22 or NGN4,500) for each consecutive day.

Now you have your visa and you are ready to fly.

JOBS

Let’s clear the divine aspect of it. God’s plans for us all are different. You can land in the UAE and get a good job within few days, but this is not mostly the case. Therefore, let’s talk about the ideal scenario. If the company or person promising you job(s) in UAE didn’t get you the job before you leave Nigeria, you would have to come and personally look for one here. If you are lucky to have a laptop computer and Wi-Fi in your residence, this means you wouldn’t have to be frequenting cyber café to apply for jobs online. This saves you some cost. Otherwise, you would have to take your job-hunting to the cyber café (there is a cost attached to that).

Notable websites to look for job are http://www.gulftalent.com, http://www.indeed.ae, http://www.monstergulf.com, http://www.bayt.com and so on.

Just like everywhere else in the world, the job-market philosophy is to hire people with requisite experience. And in the Gulf, they take it further. The preferred candidates are the ones with gulf-experience. Therefore, your resume might not get deserved attention without the “requisite experience” and “gulf-experience.” That means little or no interviews. Remember, you have a maximum of two months to secure a job. By the second month, desperation might start to set in and people would start telling you about some “jobs” you can take up as starter. The typical jobs available (as starter) are security personnel positions, facility management positions (cleaning jobs), sales representatives in malls, service guy in coffee shops and so on. And you might have to work a 12-hour rotation. These jobs are not particularly bad, someone has to do them.

The problem is that, the structure of this economy does not allow you to have several jobs like in the West (UK, America, Canada and so on). You only serve a master (employer) here. If you want to joggle between two or several jobs, you would need to get a “No Objection Certificate” (NOC) from your employer to permit you work (at your free time) with another employer. This is almost impossible. And our remuneration here is mostly salary and not wages.

Let’s say you took up any of these jobs for example; the salary is going to be between 1,000dhs (NGN44,927) and 1,800dhs (NGN81,025) per month. You would be given accommodation and transportation. If you are a very frugal person, you might be able to save a couple of hundreds of dirhams per month. And that is fine. However, I don’t see you changing career path so easily. What is common here career-wise, is that, one is most likely to always get the subsequent jobs in the same field he/she started with and I believe this is how it is everywhere. Except on rare occasions. Employers want to leverage on your previous experience and are not willing nor ready to train (I guess that is how it is in most places anyway). They want people who can hit the ground running immediately they are employed.

Therefore, before you take the plunge, ask questions and do the necessary research so that you are well prepared for the eventualities ahead.

Culled from (jidezubair.wordpress.com)

WORDS FROM A FATHER TO A SON ABOUT MARRIAGE

1. My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her. 

2. My son, a woman could be a good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your family, please don’t let her go.

3. My son, don’t confine the position of your wife to the kitchen, where did you get that from? Even in our days, we had farm-lands where they worked every morning . . . that was our office.

4. My son, if I tell you that you’re the head of the house, don’t look at your pocket; look if you will see a smile on your wife’s face.

5. My son, if you want to have a long life, let your wife be in-charge of your salary, it will be difficult for her to spend it when she’s aware of the home needs and bills to pay but if it’s in your care, she will keep you asking even when all has been spent.

6. My son, don’t ever beat your woman, the pain in her body is nothing to be compared to the wound on her heart and that means you may be in trouble living with a wounded woman.

7. My son, now that you’re married, if you live a bachelor kind of life with your wife, you will soon be single again.

8. My son, in our days, we had many wives and many children because of our large farm-lands and many harvests, there are hardly any land for farming anymore, so embrace your woman closely.

9. My son, under the cocoa tree that I did meet your mother could be your eateries and restaurants of nowadays, but remember, the closet thing we did there was to embrace each other.

10. My son, don’t be carried away when you start making more money, instead of spending on those tiny legs that never knew how hard you worked to get it, spend it on that woman that stood by you all along.

11. My son, when I threw little stones or whistled at the window of your mother father’s house, to call her out, it was not for sex, it was because I missed her so much. 

12. My son, remember, when you say your wife has changed, there could be something you’ve stopped doing too. 

13. My son, your mother, Asake rode the bicycle with me before I bought that tortoise car outside there, any woman that won’t endure with you in your little beginning should not enjoy your riches.

14. My son, don’t compare your wife to any woman, there are ways she’s enduring you too and has she ever compared you to any man?

15. My son, there is this thing you people call feminism, well, if a woman claim to have equal right with you in the house, divide all the bills into two equal parts, take one part and ask her to start paying the other part.

16. My son, I met your mother a virgin and I took more yams to her father, if you don’t meet your wife a virgin, don’t blame her, what I didn’t tell you is that our women had prestige.

17. My son, I didn’t send your sisters to school because I was foolish like many to think a female child won’t extend my family name, please don’t make that mistake, the kind of female achievers I see nowadays has made the male-gender an ordinary tag.

18. My son, your mother have once locked up the cloth I was wearing and almost tore it because she was angry, I did not raise my hand to beat her because of a day like this, so that I can be proud to tell you that I never for once beat your mother.

19. My son, in our days, our women had more of natural beauty, though I wouldn’t lie to you, some had minor painting of their appellation mostly on their arms, the ones you people now call tattoo, but don’t forget that they didn’t expose any part of their body like your women of nowadays.

20. My son, your mother and I are not interested in what happens in your marriage, try to handle issues without always coming to us.

21. My son, remember I bought your mother’s first sewing machine for her, help your wife achieve her dreams just as you’re pursuing yours.

22. My son, don’t stop taking care of me and your mother, it’s a secret of growing old and having children to take care of you too.

23  My son, pray with your family, there is a tomorrow you don't know, talk to God that knows everything, everyday.

#Kip Smiln'



 



"THE SECRET" WEEKLY DEVOTIONAL 29-12-14
"For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us. - 2 Corinthians 1:20"
      In our text this morning we find that all of God's promises answer yes in Christ; all of God's promises are based upon and find their fulfillment in Christ.
A promise is an oral or written agreement to do or not to do something. To give a basis for expectation. God's promises are graciously bestowed, secured by negotiation. There are over 3000 promises for us to claim in God's Word. What we must do is learn to depend more upon His promises to us than our promises to Him. Our promises to God are not very valuable, but His promises to us are exceeding, great, and precious.
      This morning's SECRET is an assurance for us, that all promises GOD has made with us will definitely come to fulfillment. HIS words are YEA and AMEN; it is already settled. God is faithful. God is able. He is so powerful enough to keep His promises. A promise has no value unless it is made to someone. God has chosen to make His promises to us, His children. We must learn to believe God's exceeding great and precious promises. It will change the way we pray and it will change the way we live! Let's determine to become promise believers. No matter what, no matter how long it takes, all these promises will definitely come to fulfillment for you. Just keep on playing your own part cause God's part is settled.
      Know THE SECRET, believe/have faith in IT and work towards IT whole heartedly and IT will surely work for you this week and forever.
Have a merry week ahead. Compliment of the season.
‪#‎KipSmiln‬'

d body can b enslaved bt nt d spirit....kip smiln'