When emotional intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it
served as the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQ outperform those with the highest IQ 70% of the time. This anomaly
threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ was the
sole source of success.
Decades of research now point to emotional
intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star performers
apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90% of
top performers have high emotional intelligence.
Emotional
intelligence (EQ) is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible.
It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and
make personal decisions to achieve positive results.
Despite the
significance of
EQ, its intangible nature makes it very difficult to
know how much you have and what you can do to improve if you’re lacking.
You can always take a scientifically validated test, such as the one
that comes with the
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Unfortunately,
quality (scientifically valid) EQ tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed
the data from the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order to
identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What
follows are sure signs that you have a high EQ.
You Have a Robust Emotional Vocabulary
All
people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately
identify them as they occur. Our research shows that only 36% of people
can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go
misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and counterproductive
actions.
People with high EQ master their emotions because they
understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do
so. While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,”
emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel
“irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more
specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how
you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.
You’re Curious about People
It
doesn’t matter if they’re introverted or extroverted, emotionally
intelligent people are curious about everyone around them. This
curiosity is the product of empathy, one of the most significant
gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other people and what
they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re going to have about
them.
You Embrace Change
Emotionally
intelligent people are flexible and are constantly adapting. They know
that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to their success
and happiness. They look for change that is lurking just around the
corner, and they form a plan of action should these changes occur.
You Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Emotionally
intelligent people don’t just understand emotions; they know what
they’re good at and what they’re terrible at. They also know who pushes
their buttons and the environments (both situations and people) that
enable them to succeed. Having a high EQ means you know your strengths
and you know how to lean into them and use them to your full advantage
while keeping your weaknesses from holding you back.
You’re a Good Judge of Character
Much
of emotional intelligence comes down to social awareness; the
ability to read other people, know what they’re about, and understand
what they are going through. Over time, this skill makes you an
exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to you. You know
what they’re all about and understand their motivations, even those that
lie hidden beneath the surface.
You Are Difficult to Offend
If
you have a firm grasp of whom you are, it’s difficult for someone to
say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent people
are self-confident and open-minded, which creates a pretty thick skin.
You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people make jokes about
you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor and
degradation.
You Know How to Say No (to Yourself and Others)
Emotional
intelligence means knowing how to exert self-control. You delay
gratification, and you avoid impulsive action. Research conducted at the
University of California, San Francisco, shows that the more difficulty
that you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress,
burnout, and even depression. Saying no is indeed a major self-control
challenge for many people. “No” is a powerful word that you should not
be afraid to wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally intelligent
people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain.”
Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing commitments and
gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.
You Let Go of Mistakes
Emotionally
intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but do so
without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance,
yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust
for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to walk this
tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long on your
mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about them
completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies in
your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This
creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.
You Give and Expect Nothing in Return
When
someone gives you something spontaneously, without expecting anything
in return, this leaves a powerful impression. For example, you might
have an interesting conversation with someone about a book, and when you
see them again a month later, you show up with the book in hand.
Emotionally intelligent people build strong relationships because they
are constantly thinking about others.
You Don’t Hold Grudges
The
negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are actually a
stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your body into
fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up
and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When the threat
is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when the
threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress wreaks havoc on your
body and can have devastating health consequences over time. In fact,
researchers at Emory University have shown that holding onto stress
contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding onto a
grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent
people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a grudge not only
makes you feel better now but can also improve your health.
You Neutralize Toxic People
Dealing
with difficult people is frustrating and exhausting for most. High EQ
individuals control their interactions with toxic people by keeping
their feelings in check. When they need to confront a toxic person, they
approach the situation rationally. They identify their own emotions and
don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel the chaos. They also consider
the difficult person’s standpoint and are able to find solutions and
common ground. Even when things completely derail, emotionally
intelligent people are able to take the toxic person with a grain of
salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.
You Don’t Seek Perfection
Emotionally
intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target because they
know that it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very nature, are
fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a
nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce your
effort. You end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to
accomplish and what you should have done differently instead of moving
forward, excited about what you've achieved and what you will accomplish
in the future.
You Appreciate What You Have
Taking
time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right
thing to do; it also improves your mood because it reduces the stress
hormone cortisol by 23%. Research conducted at the University of
California, Davis, found that people who worked daily to cultivate an
attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood, energy, and physical
well-being. It’s likely that lower levels of cortisol played a major
role in this.
You Disconnect
Taking regular
time off the grid is a sign of a high EQ because it helps you to keep
your stress under control and to live in the moment. When you make
yourself available to your work 24/7, you expose yourself to a constant
barrage of stressors. Forcing yourself offline and even—gulp!—turning
off your phone gives your body and mind a break. Studies have shown that
something as simple as an e-mail break can lower stress levels.
Technology enables constant communication and the expectation that you
should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult to enjoy a
stress-free moment outside of work when an e-mail that will change your
train of thought and get you thinking (read: stressing) about work can
drop onto your phone at any moment.
You Limit Your Caffeine Intake
Drinking
caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline, and adrenaline is the
source of the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism
sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure
survival. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great
when you’re responding to a curt e-mail. When caffeine puts your brain
and body into this hyper-aroused state of stress, your emotions overrun
your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life ensures you stay this way as it
takes its sweet time working its way out of your body. High EQ
individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and they don’t let it get the
better of them.
You Get Enough Sleep
It’s
difficult to overstate the importance of sleep to increasing your
emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep,
your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and
storing or discarding them (which causes dreams) so that you wake up
alert and clearheaded. High EQ individuals know that their self-control,
attention, and memory are all reduced when they don’t get enough—or the
right kind—of sleep. So, they make sleep a top priority.
You Stop Negative Self-Talk in Its Tracks
The
more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give them.
Most of our negative thoughts are just that—thoughts, not facts. When it
feels like something always or never happens, this is just your brain’s
natural tendency to perceive threats (inflating the frequency or
severity of an event). Emotionally intelligent people separate their
thoughts from the facts in order to escape the cycle of negativity and
move toward a positive, new outlook.
You Won’t Let Anyone Limit Your Joy
When
your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions
of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness.
When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that
they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take
that away from them. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to
what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself to others,
and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That
way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth
comes from within.
