Telling Lies

Two Christian missionaries, David and Michael, were lost in a scorching desert, dying of thirst and hunger when at last they saw a Mosque upfront.
“Michael, let’s pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food or water and we will die. My name will be Ahmed. What will be your name?” David said.

Michael refused to change his name. When both of them reached the Mosque, the Imam received them well and asked their names.

“My name is Ahmed.”, David said.

Michael replied: “My name is Michael.”

The Imam turned to his helpers and said: “Please bring food and water for Michael.”
Then he turned to David and said:“Brother Ahmed, Ramadan Mubarak..."

DAVID FAINTED

Don't smoke, run

One day, a Rabbit was running around the forest happily when he saw a giraffe smoking marijuana, "Hey" he said to the giraffe, "why do you do this to yourself my friend? Just run around the forest with me, and you'll feel happier."

The giraffe thought about this, left the smoke and started running with the rabbit.

After a while, they came across an elephant taking heroin, "Hey" said the rabbit to the elephant, "why do you destroy yourself with drugs? Just run around the forest with me and you'll definitely be happier."

The elephant thought about this, left his drugs and started running around the forest with the rabbit.

After a while, they saw a Lion taking cocaine, a powerful drug, "Hey" the rabbit said to the lion, "why do you punish yourself so? Just run around the forest with me and you'll feel happier."

Then the lion left his drugs and started giving the rabbit the beating of his life.

"Hey" said the elephant to Mr Lion, "This guy is only trying to help us from taking drugs, why are you beating him up?"

Then the lion said, "Don't mind this idiot! That's how he makes me run around the forest with him whenever he's high!"

Amaka's Husband

I just had to share this one....
Teacher: "Amaka, What do u wanna be in life?"
Amaka: "A successful multi billionaire business woman."
Teacher faces Akpos.
Teacher: "Akpos what of you?"
Akpos: "Amaka's husband"

Find the Water

A Nigerian, an American and a German boarded a plane.

As the plane was flying over the sea satan came out and said to them:
"I want you to drop something into the sea, if I find it you die and if I don't, you live."

The American quickly plucked a button from his shirt and threw it into the sea. Satan dived into the sea and came up with the button.
 ''see!'' he said, and killed the American.

The German threw a Pin into the sea, Satan dived and came out with the Pin.
 ''See!'' he said and killed the German.

The Nigerian brought out a pure water sachet, opened it and poured the contents into the sea holding back the sachet, he said to Satan, ''Oya begin find water inside water...Idiot''.

The Government Concept

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what The Government is.

When Benny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked his dad what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, our maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded Benny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' Benny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Benny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Benny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room.

When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Benny was surprised, but he didnt say anything, and went back to bed.
The next morning, at breakfast, the dad asks, "So, Benny, have you now understood what I was explaining to you yesterday?"
Benny thoughtfully replied, as he buttered his toast, "Yes daddy, I now understand the government! The President is screwing the Workforce, while Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the People, and the future is full of shit!''

Never argue with a woman

Never argue with a woman, just use your brains like this Waffi guy.

A man went on a night out with his friends the wife is furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him.

At about 12 midnight the man comes back and knocks...the Wife tells him "Go sleep where you dey come from o!!"

Judging by her tone of voice that her fury is about to overflow,the man answered "Relax I no com sleep, nah the condoms wey dey on top table for my room I come collect. In fact give them to me. Plenty women dey for the party!"

The wife opened the door and said,"Where you dey go? Oya Enter o! Come inside the house before I change my mind!"

The Fisherman and the fish

WIFE: Honey before we got married, you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.
HUSBAND: Yes, and?
WIFE: How come you don't do it anymore?
HUSBAND: Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to the fish after catching it?

Akpos and the Yahoo boy

Telephone Conversation between a Yahoo Yahoo boy and potential Maga (Akpos)...

Phone Rings...

Akpos: Hello? Who am I speaking with Pls?

Yahoo boy: Ah, don't u know who is calling?

Akpos: No I don't, the number is restricted.

Yahoo boy: How is Ligeria?

Akpos: Nigeria is fine but who am I speaking with?

Yahoo boy: It's your friend from London.

Akpos: I have a couple of friends in London which of them is this?

Yahoo boy: Just guess.

Akpos: Em, is it Fatai?

Yahoo boy: Yes! It's me Fatai!

Akpos: Ah! Fatai! Looonggg time no see, how now? How is London?

Yahoo boy: London is fine, how is Ligeria?

Akpos: Nigeria dey there o, the usual wahala, Ehen! The other day I saw ur mother, she is very sick o, dat was two weeks ago, I am sure she should be dead by now....

Yahoo boy: Ah!

Akpos: Yes o, your father's house in the village rain-storm blew away the roof and it landed on the old mans legs and shattered them, he is at Ogwa presently ......

Yahoo boy: Shuuooooo:O!

Akpos: ....yes o, the bone mender says it will not heal because he has diabetes, later they said tetanus has entered already, the man is quarter to go, your younger brother went to smoke Igbo with those bad boys and since then the guy kolo, he is in Uselu psychiatric now, your elder brother went to a burial at Ugbegunebudin he went to drink anyhow there, they nack am epilepsy there, he is just falling every time .....

Yahoo boy: Haaaaa!!!!!

Akpos: ...wait o, there is more, your sister carry belle, e go do aborti ....

Yahoo boy: You wait! E don do for you! I reject everything you say in Jesus name! Those things will never happen to me....

Akpos: Ah! Is this not Fatai, they have already happened ...
Yahoo boy: I am not Fatai, you idiot, na God go punish u.

Akpos: Na devil go solder ur yash, no go find work bloody thief! 419...wait make I burn your credit small,idiot.

Egyptian Excursion

The students of Warri Grammar School went on excursion to Egypt. On the tomb of Pharaoh was written "1102BC".

The teacher now asked "who knows what this means?"
 Nobody except Akpos raised his hand but the teacher was not comfortable and pretended not to take notice of him.
She then asked again and yet only Akpos' hand was still up.

So she allowed him to answer. Akpos said "Na Pharaoh BB Pin be that"

Haircut

Today's my birthday, here's a gift for you:

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "In 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Sunday, please help me. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back".

A little while later, Sunday returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go whenever he leaves here?" Sunday looked up, with tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife at home"

Fuel Station

A professor drove into a petrol station in his sleek state of the art range rover sports and disembarked.

Professor: guy, abeg, give me full tank.

Fuel Attendant: Sir, I don't speak pidgin, I only speak English

Professor: Ok! good morning, I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propelling of my motorized automobile. Therefore I cordially request you to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim.

Fuel Attendant: Oga na play I dey play o, how much fuel you wan buy?

Escaped convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Bathing Soap

Girlfriend: Honey, please could you buy me my bathing soap when you are coming?
Boyfriend: Alright! No problem... but how much is it?
Girlfriend: it's just N15k
Boyfriend: blood of Jesus!!!
Does it wash away sins and sorrows???

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Saw this one during the Subsidy/Occupy Nigeria strike years ago:

Hello, My name is Frank Edoho, from who wants to be a Millionaire. Your Friend Jonathan is on the hot seat, he needs your help to win One Loaded Tanker of Fuel. The next voice you hear is your friend's. ( Your time starts now ). Paddy how far: Abeg wetin be the yoruba Name for SUBSIDY?

The missing Cock

Pastor keeps chickens in the Church premises, one evening a Cock went missing.

In Church the next day the Pastor asked "who has a cock?"
 All the men got up.
 "No, I mean who has seen a cock?" the pastor said.
All the women got up.
"No, no, I meant who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?", the pastor said impatiently.
Half of the women got up.
"Oh for goodness sake!! Who has seen my cock???" the pastor shouted.
All the Choir girls got up!.....halleluyah!!